The Greatest Pokemon Fanfiction of All Time
by RayLedgend
Summary: What will Ash do when he finds out Team Rocket killed a dear friend of his. Especially when he needs their help to save the life of another. This fic is all over the place. M for a reason. Definitely not for the kids. Short Lemon in Ch. 2
1. The Avg Man Thinks About Sex Every 7 Sec

The Greatest Fucking Pokemon Fanfiction Ever

I don't own pokemon. If I did, Misty would still be in the anime, and Poliwrath would have better base stats (as well as many other changes to the game =P)

This fanfiction was inspired by the sick contents of John Heller's mind.

Chapter 1

The Average Man Thinks about Sex Every Seven Seconds

The blue ocean waters that spanned the Orange Isles glimmered in the rise of the sun at its peak. Foam gently cascaded across the surface, waves crashing into the sandy shores. Wingulls and Pelippers dotted the sky in their lazy glides through the warm summer air. The sea was calm this day, but it was on days like these that you knew something would fuck up.

"…What?" said the narrator. "What do you mean I have to do this? I thought I was over with this shit! What? Who the fuck is John Heller? What does he… oh my God! He wants what?! That sick bastard! Alright, fine… I just better get paid for this…" He cleared his throat and started again. "The Orange Isles (no shit). It is here we begin our tale… a very sick… and disturbing tale…"

"Lapras!" cooed the horned blue thing.

"…Lapras? What the hell?! The Pokémon Lapras does not say 'LAPRAS!' like some retarded lil' bitch!"

As the narrator was going off script again in a drunken stir, Lapras looked upwards to where the voice was coming from.

"Yea, that's right! I'm talking to you, you lil' salt-licker! You better say fucking 'Cooo!' or 'Ooo!' or 'DO A BARREL ROLL!' before I come down there and dry-hump your ass!"

Having its shell just waxed and polished, Lapras did not desire some forty year old man's semen to mar its perfect sheen. "Ooo," it said weakly.

"Now then, this Lapras was the Lapras that once belonged to Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town. He left this Pokémon in the Orange Isles so that it could live and be happy with its herd… either that or he got sick of looking at that dildo-shaped horn."

Lapras glared at the sky for that comment. Regardless, it was paradise for the Transport Pokémon. Every day it would swim and play and have orgies with the other Laprases… Lapri… ah fuck it… it had hot dirty sex with the bunch of 'em. In fact, it was just passing by two humping each other when it noticed a dark mass of cloud approaching from the west.

"Ooo?" Lapras said, which roughly translates to "Cock?"

As the black clouds got closer, it saw what came with it: a massive pirate ship. The ship was big, black, long, slick, and looked as though it was made by Mexicans. Atop the mizzenmast flapped violently in the wind a flag with the image of a Seaking on it. The entire crew of the mariner gazed upon the herd of Laprasiseses with bloodlust.

"SEAKING FUCK YAH!" exclaimed the captain from the bow of his ship. Apparently, he was the captain of the Fucking Seakings, a group of pirates known for clubbing Laprissies and using their blubber to make oil for lanterns.

The ominous winds forged themselves forward onto the herd. Scared shitless, they all swam away from the ship, excluding the two mentioned beforehand who had been humping; they were both crushed by the ship. The entire horde swam and swam and swam……… and swam. However, the ship was faster. Once the pirates had gotten in range, the crew unleashed a hail of harpoons upon the Larps. One by one, the deadly sharp spears pierced the backs of their shells, killing them in an instant. Blood turned the sea red, so much so that 4Kids could do nothing but tell the kids it was only fruit punch. Within a matter of minutes, the calm blue sea became a bloodbath of Lapras corpses. The scalawags laughed maniacally at the sight of the graveyard of their own doing.

"Pirates are better than ninjas!" was their cry.

However, there was one Lapras who had escaped their evil clutches by an inch. Hiding behind a rock which jutted out from the ocean was Ash's Lapras, its fins bleeding from the near misses of the harpoon. Looking at the pirates scoop up its dead brethren filled its soul with rage and its eyes with tears. It was very emotional, but I couldn't help but laugh. Honestly, it would've killed you. Anyway, it would have normally opened a can of Shaq Fu on their asses, but it knew that it would die if it tried. Lapras had only one option: to find its trainer and ask him for help.

". . . FUCK! My Tourette's is acting up again!"

"Here," slurred the narrator, "we have Ash Fucking Ketchum from Pallet Fucking Town! We tried makin' Pokémon shows without this lil' bitch in 'em, and we didn't get too far. I don't see what's so special about this whiny lil' asshole. All he does is bitch, bitch, bitch about being a Pokémon Master and makes friends with Pokémon instead of throwing his balls to their faces. Didn't he ever play this game?! I mean what the fuck is…"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Ash yelled to the sky. "Shit, I keep hearing those voices again. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HEAD!!!"

As this very vulgar scene was taking place, Ash was walking briskly along the route from Viridian City to Pallet Town, making his way homeward from another gay adventure of his. I'll give you three guesses as to what he did… go on, guess!

1.) He got eight badges through a series of plotholes and emo-bitchiness.

2.) He met some eighty rookie trainers and taught them to believe in the heart of the cards… I mean heart of the balls… and said he would see them again, which was a damn outright lie!

3.) He caught like two and a half new Pokémon and gave hugs and kisses to about twenty rare and priceless Pokémon, which was the reason he lost in whatever fucking tournament battle he participated in. What a fucking retard…

Yeah, so, Ash was walking as he beat the shit out of his head, believing himself to be possessed by the devil. While he was traversing some continent which probably doesn't even exist, considering the Earth ain't too fucking big, Pikachu decided to steal his money and get drunk off its ass. In doing so, it got AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea. Now, all along the path, it humped everything that moved, and everything that didn't move. I guess that meant it humped everything because it was in heat.

"Godammit, Pikachu!" Ash scolded the mouse. "I told you no one wants your Electric Penis Juice © all over those rocks and trees and shit!" Nonetheless, Pikachu humped a new item of interest every five seconds.

"Pika-fuck-you," cursed the little yellow rat.

"PISS!" Ash retorted.

It wasn't before long that they overcame the hill before them and beheld Pallet Town, now with three Cat Houses and Two Bars.

Ash scratched his ballsack. "Hey faggot!" he called to Pikachu, currently humping a tree. "We're here! We're finally backed in Pallet Town's dick! Now it's time to fuck it!" He took one step, slipped on a used condom, and fell down the hill, shouting "SHIT!" and "FUCK!" and "ASS!" all the way down. Pikachu watched him fall as it put the condom on and started humping air.

Ash walked up to the door of his house, inhaled the polluted air around him, and kicked down the door. "SHIT JUST GOT REAL, BITCH!"

"Mr. Mime!" said… well, take a fucking guess…

Ash was greeted by Mr. Mime, who was busy cleaning up a puddle of white fluid located next to a pile of pictures of Prof. Oak taking a shower. (Ten points will be awarded to the first person who can guess what the fluid is; five points for who it belongs to.)

"Is that you dear?" Delia (A.K.A. Ash's Mom or Mrs. Ketchum or the Biggest Slut of Pallet Town) called from the kitchen. "Did you break down the door again?"

"What the hell do you care?!" Ash kicked Mr. Mime away from the couch so he could sit down. Unfortunately, he sat right down into another puddle Mr. Mime did not have a chance to clean. "With all the money you make you could buy ten doors, you whore! I just wish you wouldn't give blowjobs on my couch!"

Delia walked in wearing questionable attire not suitable for children under the age of seventeen. "Well, excooooooooooooz me, princess!" she said in a voice that could chip the paint off a wall. "Just remember that you were a mistake, so be grateful for what you have."

"I'm grateful for my penis and beer! I'm hungry!"

"Well then get yourself some food!"

"You're the one with boobs, make me some edible shit!" Ash flicked the TV to watch Nancy Grace.

"Fine," Delia sighed, "but I'm making Liver and Onions so I don't want anymore of your bitchin', ya hear?"

"Yea, yea…" Ash continued to watch the "news" as Delia went back into the kitchen. Meanwhile, Pikachu was humping Mr. Mime's leg until it put up Lightscreen; then it humped the invisible wall. Mr. Mime shoved the vacuum's hose under Ash's butt and sucked up the fluid he was sitting on. "Nancy Grace," he spoke with seriousness, as though the bitch was right in front of him, "you can stick it up my ass any day." Mr. Mime vomited.

"Hello?" Misty's head peeped out from where the door once stood.

"HEY!" Ash blurted. "Well if it isn't ironing board!"

Misty glared at him. When she walked in, Ash noticed that her breasts were the size of grapefruits. "Iron this, motherfucker!"

Ash's eyes popped out of his head. "BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL! You have purple mountain majesties over your amber waves of grain!"

"Oh, you noticed?" she flirted.

"No…" Ash said. "Yes," Ash said. "How did that happen?" Ash said.

"Puberty."

"Bullshit! You stuck watermelons in there, didn't you?"

Misty blushed. "Yea, my sisters and I got them for my birthday."

Ash stared at her, then her tits, then at her again. "You're fucked up, you know that?"

"Oh," Delia talked with her mouth full (of what is the real question). She swallowed, "I thought I heard Misty. My, what big tits you have, my dear!"

"The better to see you with, Mrs. Ketchum."

"HEY!" Ash wailed. "Story-time isn't until 9:00!"

Delia cupped her fist, like all the anime characters do when they realize something. "You're right Ash. Misty, would you like to join us for dinner?"

"I'd love to!" Misty's boobs jiggled. "Let's all do the Whore-Dance!"

They all did the Whore-Dance. For instructions on how to do the Whore-Dance, please call 1-800-WHORE for a free video.

"Fuck, I'm hungry," Ash panted. "HOPSKIBIBBLE!"

"Let's all sit down and eat." Delia set their places at the table, and then returned to the stove.

Pikachu now had a chance to hump Misty's leg. "CHUU!"

"No, I swallow… oh!" Misty picked up Pikachu. In the process, she poked her eye with its schlong. "What have you been up to, Pikachu?"

Ash interjected. "That bastard stole my money and got a case of the itchies in the happy place!"

"Then I better wash my face after dinner. And what have you been doing, Ash?"

"MEN'S ASSES!"

"Dinner's ready!" Delia slid the Liver and Onions off the frying pan and onto the plates. "Dig in!"

"Hehe, that's what she said!" Ash took one lick of Delia's food and slammed his fist. "DAMMIT! I've tasted shit better than this shit!" He threw the plate across the room, hitting Mr. Mime in the pussy (and I just totally mind-fucked you now, didn't I?).

"Oh dear," Delia groaned. "That's the fifth plate Ash broke. You know what that means?"

"Let's have a three-way!" Ash ejaculated.

"I was going to say shipping you off to a sweatshop in Kenya, but that works too!" Delia took off all her clothes in a record two point four seconds.

"You know," Misty smirked, "I could go for some sausage after eating this liver." She took off her clothes in two point three seconds. Delia slapped her in the face before kissing her passionately.

"Don't start without me!" Ash tripped over his pants trying to undress. As he did this, Pikachu was already joining in. "HEY!" He grabbed the rat by the tail. "You can't be part of this! It's a three-way! Two plus one is three plus one is four, dammit!" He wound up his arm. "SUBTRACTION!" With a forceful throw, Ash pitched Pikachu through the glass window and up Mr. Mime's ass. When he was finished, he joined the three-way. "LIBERACE!"

End of first chapter.

Me: Okay, so Ch. 1 is finished and all that happened was bleeding from the eyes. Maybe I should have put that warning up before the first chapter…


	2. The Second Cumming

I still don't own Pokemon. I know you're all surprised.

Chapter 2: The second cumming.

"So where are we now?" asked the narrator after his seventh beer. Maybe I should give the narrator a name instead of calling him "The Narrator." Maybe I'll call him Jennifer.

"If you fucking call me a gay-ass name like Jen, I swear to fucking Arceus I'll rape you!" threatened the narrator.

"Right, so I guess we're at some fucking beach, or some shit. Like the one near Pallet town. Seriously, what the fuck's up with that place. I mean, it has enough fucking swimmers to be labeled a vacation spot. And what the fuck is up with those crackheads. They spend all day and night waiting to challenge someone to a pokemon battle. I mean, no matter when you see those fucktards they're still swimming. They should be dead from muscle failure."

"You have to go here to get to that fucking island. What tha fuck's that place called? Cinnamon . . . Cinnabon . . . Sinbad . . . it has to be Sinbad. Who else would set up a gym in an active fucking volcano so he can crack terrible jokes that make me want to get a sex change? Ya know, I once caught a Kangaskhan off the shores of Sinbad's place. I shit you not. Turned out to be a fucking MissingNo. that erased my game file. I wish I could fucking shove all those Master Balls and Rare Candies up its ass . . . wherever it's ass is located . . . anywho!

So, I'm sure you can gues which dildo-headed faggot from chapter one was on its way. Unfortunately there were two and a half more faggots up at Sinbad's fucking island.

"BROOKLYN RAGE!" quipped Meowth.

"UAH! Goddammit Meowth!" Jesse yelled while sucking on a banana. "Stop quoting random shit from Youtube like John Heller!"

"I can't help it Jess," Meowth curled its tail. "I am from Brooklyn, right?"

"For the last time, Meowth," James sighed, "your Asian just like everyone else on this show."

The two and a half fucktards were taking a brisk walk on the beach or some shit. They turned all emo again because they spent all their fucking money-- which they stole from orphans, unlike what 4Kids propagates-- on another feeble attempt to capture Pikachu involving giant robots and no pitfalls. Seriously, they got closer to success more times digging fucking holes than they did spending ludicrous amounts on Gundam rip-offs.

James and Meowth were trying to get hard-ons by giving Jesse a banana to suck on, but their erections were as sad as ever, and they had no cash for Viagra or Cialis or Enzyte. Day after day they contemplated suicide for every failure they accomplished. Nothing good ever came their way, and nothing exciting ever happened to them.

"If we don't capture that Pikachu soon," Jesse licked her fingers, "the boss will do something terrible."

"What?" James said. "Like write a really bad Pokemon fanfic?"

Meowth shivered "I don't even wanna think about dat . . . hey look!"

Off to their left they saw a lone Lapras washed up on the shore. It looked tired and bloody. "Ooo . . . " it cried weakly. It had almost no energy left to keep its head up. Even so, it tried desperately to walk on land and call out at the top of its lungs.

"Is that a Lapras?" James asked.

"No, it's your fucking mom," Jesse retorted. "Of course it's a fucking Lapras, dipshit! I wonder who it belongs to."

"Oh, that's the twerp's Lapras." Meowth stated plainly.

"Meowth how can you tell that?" James asked.

"Besides the fact that it's screaming 'ASH,' the narrator told me."

Jesse goggled. "You've seen the narrator?!"

"Yeah. We're good friends. He's not a funny drunk."

"Well, then," James smirked, "if this Lapras is the twerp's, then we should steal it while it's weak and there's nobody around to stop us!"

"Better idea:" Jesse chimed in, "replace the word steal with fuck"

*Awkward silence*

" . . . Excuse me?" James stared at Jesse unbelievably.

"I'm horny! Don't judge me!"

"Y'know," Meowth said in the worst American dubbed voice in the world, "dat would definitely send the twerp a message not to fuck wit' us or we'll fuck his pokemon . . . literally!"

"That's right!" Jesse agreed. "And I always wondered if a Lapras horn vibrates like the toys at home."

James was the only fucktard that seemed hesitant about the idea. "Are you sure?"

Meowth and Jesse yelled "DO NOT QUESTION THE WILL OF JOHN HELLER!"

And with that, Meowth ran out towards the Lapras with Jesse trailing behind removing the suggestive attire that 4Kids left in. James stood silent for a moment watching them go.

" . . . Never thought my first time would be with a Lapras . . . "

WARNING: The following scene involves the act of rape upon a Lapras by two and a half fucktards. Read forward at your own risk!

Slowly the two naked humans crept up to the unsuspecting Lapras. Meowth removed the cream-colored tape from his thigh revealing his genitals for the first time. Jesse started rubbing her nipples with her fingers. James couldn't get a hard-on from the Lapras, so he looked at Jesse for some satisfaction. It was then that he noticed the carpet didn't match the drapes. Though her hair was cherry red, her pubes were blonde. The same was true for James . . . in hindsight, that does explain a lot . . .

"Ooo?" Lapras said for the last fucking time.

"Nothing personal," Jesse replied, "but we're going to make you our bitch."

And then they . . . um . . . they started . . . rubbing their bodies all over its neck. Meowth was humping its shell and shit . . . no, I mean it shat a shit on its shell. Jesse was licking it, the Lapras, while James' cock . . . uhh . . . I DON'T KNOW!

Jesse used Lapras' horn as a dildo (what a surprise . . . ) They did a lot more unspeakable things to it, but if you have a sick enough mind to have read this far, I'm pretty sure you can imagine James jerking off onto Lapras.

"Um, Jess," James said as blood dripped onto his cock, "I think you opened up a wound."

Jesse, still riding the horn, replied "No, it's just that time of the month."

Okay, I crossed the line with that one. Let's finish this unholy display of wordfuck.

"Time for some penetration!" Meowth exclaimed. "Uh, where does my winky wink go?"

The three examined the unconscious Lapras from top to bottom, but they couldn't seem to find an entry point of any kind no matter where they looked. Honestly, I don't know if this thing's a boy or girl . . . I really have no preference . . .

"Well, you know what they say . . . " Jesse laughed maniacally as she pulled a drill from her pussy (which happens to be the place Team Rocket keeps all their shit including James' bottle cap collection and hair gel which is cool 'cause all he needs to do to get shiny hair is make Jesse cum.) "If you can't find a way, make a way!"

______________________________________________________________

I'm gonna end it there. You call it dramatic suspense, I call it salvation.

End of second chapter.


	3. What Goes Up Must Cum Down

Chapter 3: What Goes Up Must Cum Down

"BLAAAAARGH!"

What the narrator is trying to say is that we're back in fucking Pallet Town where Ash, Misty, and Delia just finished their three-way. He would tell you himself but he got alcohol poisoning from his 15th beer, and was now tossing up in a wastebasket.

The two women lit up a fag as they lay on the couch, one on top of the other. I say fag because cigarette is too big a word for me . . .

"Apple pie in the sky that was a good fuck!" Ash played with his dick as if it were a guitar.

"Ash, dear," Delia sighed, "you're just as good as your father, Giovanni."

"SHUTUP! You know I don't believe in that horse shit!" The vulgar trainer started to dress himself again. It was then that Ash found Pikachu humping one of his socks. Ash grabbed thee sock from Pikachu growling, "Monkey see, monkey do!" He put his sock on even though it had been thoroughly splooged. "Ah, goddammit . . . second time I get covered in happy juice . . . "

"Well, I guess it's about time for momma to get to work." At this statement, Delia used magical powers to transform herself into Whore Woman: Slut by day, whore by night! She fights crime and bangs you. One time she suffocated a man by (do I really need to finish this sentence for you to know what I'm about to write?) shoving his head in her pussy. Her nipples can also turn into razor sharp spikes for dual knifing. You can cut a diamond with her rock hard tits. Last but not least, her dildo-staff kept within the confines of her ass. It has the power to turn every man gay or violated. "Thanks for the warm-up!" And with that, Delia's nipples shot from her breasts like grappling tits and she swung into the night . . . even though it was about four in the afternoon . . . damn she's good.

"One day I'm gonna dick slap that bitch." Ash turned to Misty. "What the hell's wrong with you?!"

Misty looked troubled "I think one of my implants popped." As she spoke she flapped one of her breasts, now deflated and saggy like a beach ball without air. At least one of the two still worked.

"What makes you say that, Vaseline?" Before Misty had a chance to punch Ash in the groin, a blinding flash of light filled the room. The Earth shook tremendously, knowcking pictures of Delia's pin-ups from Pokeboy Magazine off the wall. Lights all around the house flickered, aplliances went haywire, the toilet flushed and spouted diarrhea from China. Out from nowhere the shining figure of a godly pokemon appeared in the living room. As the brightness dimmed it was revealed . . .

"Arceus!" Misty exclaimed.

"AW!" Ash whined, "I thought it was Kevin Bacon!"

God, I love his movies . . .

"Attention mortals!" Arceus dictated telepathically. "I am your father!" George Lucas popped out from Arceus' asshole the instant that was said. "No, really. I made you."

"Ha! For your information, I'm an atheist!" Ash crossed his arms " . . . Or an Arceist . . . don't judge me!"

"So you do not believe in my existence? I mean I do have George Lucas for an anus."

"So does Bill Gates," Ash stated confidently. His argument could not be beaten. "If you really are Arceus, then kill Mr. Mime the way I dream about at night."

"So be it!" Arceus spoke, and Mr. Mime was burnt up being kept barely alive in a pillar of flame. Seconds later his head exploded.

"I think I just ejaculated . . . lemme check . . . yup! That made me so happy I literally jizzed in my pants." Ash overlooked the bloody gore and guts spread all over the floor, the walls, and his face as a tear of joy was formed in his eye. "Now the yellow rat!"

Pikachu used Iron Tail and knocked his trainer to the ground putting him in the perfect position to accept a dick inside him.

"The reason I have come is to bear terrible news: Misty has Breast Cancer!"

"Ahh fuck," Misty sneezed, "how did that happen?!"

"Maybe you should not have tampered with the laws of nature concerning your mammories!"  
"Why would breast implants cause cancer!?"

"Actually, I gave you cancer because I was bored, but that's not important right now." Arceus turned to Ash. "Young trainer, the girl's only hope is with you."

Ash picked himself up. "She was just 'with me' five fucking minutes ago! Where the fuck were you!?"

"Oh, I was watching. Nice job BTW!" *High Fives* "As I was saying, Misty's breast cancer has reached the irreversable point. There is but one way to cure it. You must make for me a porno featuring you and Jesse from Team Rocket."

Ash handed him a tape. "Done!"

"Sorry, but I've seen this volume already. May I add that the priest was a turn off for me?"

"Shit," Ash tossed the tape aside. "Alright. Where are the two and a half fucktards (or TAAHFT for short)?"

"AAAAACHOOOO! I think some cum squirted out of my nose." Meowth blurted.

Back on the beach, Team Rocket was just done doing the damn dickweed Lapras, which was now bloody (in more ways than one) and dead. Apparently drilling a hole in its shell after it already lost gallons of blood was not a good idea . . . but it did provide great lubrication for some amazing fucking. Its last words were "DO A BARREL ROLE!" What? That's what I'd say if I were being gang-raped.

Jesse giggled with delight. "Finally! We fucked something to death!"

"I know!" James was blow-drying his blonde pubes. "Usually we just fuck things up!"

"So now dat dat's outta da way," said Meowth as he began wiping the cum from his nostrils, "what're we gonna do wit' da body?"

"I say we spraypaint 4chan on its shell and wait for the twerp to show up." Jesse danced on her tippie toes. "I'll die from laughter!"

"How about instead of 4chan," James interjected, "we blame it on 4Kids!"

*GASP*

"No," Meowth said, "we'll blame it on 4chan, 4Kids, and SPAGHETTI!"

"YEAH!"  
"OH, FUCK ME HORIZONTALLY!"

Team Rocket heard someone approaching from nearby. TAAHFT turned to see none other than Ash Ketchum from . . . your mum! He was holding a camera ready to give Jesse's ass his dick (remember kids, it's not rape if you yell surprise!) Pikachu in the meanwhile was humping the lens cap.

"Uh-oh . . . " moaned TAAHFT.

Ash eyeballed the scene before him, and became filled with unquenchable rage. "UPDATE!" Ash screamed, while pulling out an AK-47, "Your titties have been cancelled!"

"Where the fuck did he get that?" James asked just before getting pumped full of lead.

"NOOOOO!" Meowth shouted bemoaning James' death. "I loved him!"

"Fuckin' gay-ass little bitch . . . " Ash stood next to Meowth before busting a cap in his skull. "And this little piggy got burned!" He said as he turned to Jesse with a flamethrower.

"Well, at least I'm an orange."

Having absolutely no idea why she said that, Ash unleashed hellfire upon Jesse, incinerating her body into a skeleton. Then he burned the skeleton into that really gory jelly shit. Then the gory jell shit was heated into ashes that scattered to the four winds because . . . you know what? Forget it.

"I AM THE THIRD REVELATION BITCHES!" Ash triumphantly boasted. " . . . Wait a minute. What was I doing here again?" *cue Jeopardy music* " . . . OH, FUCKLES!" Ash just remembered Arceus's demand to have a porno made with Jesse, a feat which was now impossible, for people can not fuck ashes unless they have a permit.

Misty followed Ash, but fell over every 5 seconds due to a lack of balance in her titular region. "What the fuck happened here?!"

"SHIT!" Ash answered. "Oh, and I accidentally burnt Jesse to a crisp."

"You dumb-ass!" Misty yelled. "How am I gonna get my breasts better again?!"

"I have a plan, but it'll require you to shut up, and put on some whore-clothes . . . and a wig that looks like a shark fin . . . and maybe some peanut butter."

"Alright, I get it." Misty sighed. "I guess I can't blame you for what you did. I'd be pretty pissed too if my Lapras was killed by TAAHFT."

Ash looked at her perplexed. "What Lapras?"

RIP LAPRAS

Born: Who gives a shit?

Died: Who gives a fuck?

(Best Water-Taxi Ever!)

_____________________________________

**End of Chapter 3:** Yeah, Ash just felt like killing something. Sorry of the title is misleading =P I'd appreciate some reviews =P


	4. The Epic Conclusion

Chapter 4: The Epic Conclusion.

**Note: **The narrator of this story has just committed suicide; I now attain custody of his paycheck and smokin' hot wife.

" . . . mhm . . . yes . . . oh, yeah, baby . . . uh huh . . . yeah, you take that Harry Potter book . . . humph! Vasoline! . . . Vasoline!"

In case you were wondering, Arceus is watching the porno that Ash made with Misty who was dressed up like Jesse (may her breasts rest in peace.) They couldn't find a shark fin or a back waxer to use as a wig, so they used Joan Rivers as a substitute. Surprisingly enough the quality was outstanding. Misty still only had one fuctional tit, but Arceus didn't seem to mind as he fapped and fapped and fapped. I really don't know how it's masturbating. Please don't ask me to describe it.

"SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!"

At that spoiler, Arceus orgasmed the greatest orgasm in the world. Ash's house became a TastyKake filled with vanilla cream in less than a second. White fluid oozed from the windows and doors. It was like a tidal wave of jizz.

"EEEEWWWW!!!" Misty groaned as she rid her entire body of Arceus Juice. "Even I can't stand this much bukkake."

Ash stood motionless in the midst of the torrential deluge. After a moment he gathered a great big mess of splooge on his index finger and inserted it into his mouth. "Tastes like Filet Mignon drissled with kangaroo piss."

"Ahh . . . " Arceus lay down on its back, its cock still erect (which touched the cieling by the way.) It used its psychic powers and shit to make a cigar float over to its mouth already lit. To make sense of proportions, it had to be a Cuban to get some satisfaction. Then it fell asleep and never called me back the next day.

"Ok, so the porno you made was pretty good." Arceus said as he made his dick disappear.

"Yeah," Ash wiped his nose, you know, like when people are so proud of themselves that their nostrils itch like motherfuckers, "I was thinking of giving it to Hugh Hefner before his bitches snap him like a twig."

As a side note here, Microsoft Word did not underline the word "Hefner" or give me any spelling suggestions . . . that tells ya a lot.

Arceus arose adamantly and asked an aardvark an aquisition. Why the fuck did I type that? "Unfortunately, you failed to perform what I requested. I know full well that you burned Jesse to a crisp and used Misty as a replacement.

A giant exclamation point appeared over the two children's heads.

"Oh my god, Snake. METAL GEEEER!" Misty shouted.

"Enough is enough!" Ash protested. "I've had it with these monkey-fighting referencs on this Monday-through-Friday fanfic!"

"Do I look like a bitch!?"

Ash continued "How the fuck did you know?!"

"Ah, bitch please . . . " Arceus boasted. "I'm fucking GOD in this universe. I brought Mel Gibson's masterpiece _What Women Want_ into this world, and I can surely take it away if I so will it."

Don't judge me . . .

"Oh well, I tried . . . " Ash put up his hands, leik wen anny-mae karakturs giv up . . . ok . . . I'll stop now.

Misty wasn't about to give up as easily as she plainly showed by strangling Ash's neck. "YOU BETTER FUCKING FIX THIS, OR I WILL KILL YOU BEFORE I DIE!!!"

"Duck Sause!" was all Ash could spurt out as his neck was being strangled.

Arceus, now wearing a suit and tie (don't ask,) sat down on a rubber duck. "Well, I can't blame you for killing Jesse . . . since you're retarded . . . so I'll give you another option."

Misty released Ash's throat. He panted and then pissed his pants "Shit!" Then he shit his pants. "Piss!" He pissed his pants again. What the fuck do I have to do now?

"It's simple really. Just give your father a great big man-hug." Search google images for imhappyplz to know what Arceus looked like as he said this.

"Simple? SIMPLE?! How the fuck is that simple?! My father has never been shown in the series. I don't even know who the fuck it is!"

"But he has been on the show. Search your feelings, you know it to be true."

Ash massaged his breasts like John Heller does sometimes to make his friends feel uncomfortable. "All I'm feeling is the shit and piss running down my leg, so just fucking tell me who the fuck it is."

Arceus now took on the image of the ya srsly owl "It . . . is . . . GIOVANNI!"

"_**BULLSHIT!**_" Ash blurted.

"Wow. He used all three font styles all by himself. I'm so proud of him . . . I mean . . . scared for my life. Help?"

"Nope sorry, he's your father, like it or not."

"Oh yeah? Prove it cumbugger!"

Arceus revealed a collection of Birth certificates, DNA tests, family photos, and a book entitled _Giovanni is Ash's Father_ by John Heller.

Ash pouted. "It'll take more than that to make me stick my hand up the koala bear's ass, so they say."

"Who the fuck said that?! Look, you can believe it or not." Arceus was now on a treadmill while OKGo was playing. "All you have to do is show us you're not afraid to get up close and personal with a manly man who shaves his pubes every Tuesday."

"Didn't need to know that, but I'll fucking do it!" That's what she said . . . I mean, what Ash said. Misty was too busy in a leather sex suit getting whipped by Pikachu.

" . . . ergh . . . nngh . . . bllrt . . . Ripples . . . fgsadl . . . "

No, I'm not just having fun with the keyboard . . . well, ok, I am, but regardless of that, the point is, Giovanni was sound asleep in his lovely penthouse . . . gym when he started having nightmares. And I don't mean the ones with Mewtwo and the compact discs.

"Gah!" He jerked off . . . I mean up from his laying down position . . . and became erect (what a dirty sentence.) "Wh-what's going on!?"

"Perrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsian?"

Giovanni looked perplexed. "Well, if it's not my pussy giving me the heebie jeebies, then what could it be?" The gym leader/criminal mastermind gasped when he saw the ghosts of TAAHFT floating above his bed. "How'd you three get in here!?"

"Well, boss . . . " James began, "it all started when I was but a wee lad . . . "

Jesse punched his ghost balls. "What retard number 1 is trying to say is that we're kinda . . . maybe . . . a lil' . . . perhaps . . . dead."

Giovanni stared at them for a moment, and then wet himself. "OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!" He fell to the floor in his Pussy-cat Dolls pajamas, and doubled over in laughter. "It happened. It really happened! Dreams do come true! AHAHAHA!"

"PERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSHHHHHHAAANNNNN!" said the not dead cat rioting on its backside.

"Oho, tell me . . . Giovanni wiped a tear of joy from his eye, "to whom do I owe the service of getting rid of you all?"

"We was killed by dat twerp we told yas about, Ash Ketchup!" said the dead cat.

"Ah, I see. That means he shall arive shortly."

"What do you mean, boss?" James said in a squeaky voice, covering the void where his sperm pouches used to be."

"Nothing that concerns you . . . " Giovanni looked at the clock. "Three in the morning . . . I must get ready."

"B-but, what about us!?" TAAHFT asked.

"Oh, don't worry . . . " the gym leader said with an "I took a shit on your mom last night" smile, "I have the phone number for a 24-hour exorcist."

So yea, the morning came . . . the sun's shining and stuff . . . I kinda gave up a little inside . . .

"Fat and Spicy's the way I like it!" yelped Ash, brushing his teeth and combing his hair. Remember kids. Stay in school, don't do drugs.

Misty was blowing up a balloon to put in her shirt. "AGH! I can't blow it up enough!" It popped.

"That's a shame . . . " Arceus said, now wearing a tutu, drinking cofee, and reading the newspaper, while watching Oprah. "Delia, my dear, could you spot me?"

"Sure!" said the mother, as she rubbed herself against the deity's body.

"WOAH, WOAH, WOAH!" Arceus spilled the last of his java on his paper. "I wanted more coffee, not your whore-self on me!"

"My bad." She poured him another cup.

Arceus shook his head. "Me only knows where that body was last night, Stripperella . . . "

Get it? It's a God pun . . .

"AL-RIIIIIIIIIGHT!" Ash bellowed as he jumped down the flight of stairs, slipped on the last step, and landed on his neck. I just watched some chick peg a dude, and I'm ready for some full-on hug-fucking!"

"Excellent," Arceus lit his tutu on fire and returned to his godly manners. "My ship sails in the morning. I wonder what's for dinner."

"Oh, boy!" Pikachu said . . . wait, what? "I'm so hungry I could eat an octorok!"

Ash kicked Pikachu into a wall. "SHUTUP!"

"Let us go to Viridian city, young trainer. We have much to accomplish, and . . . " Arceus hooked up a PSTriple "little time to do so."

"Ok, but you're going to teleport us there, right?" Misty asked while stuffing some books down her shirt.

"Silly trainer. TRIX ARE FOR KIDS! I mean, I do not know the move teleport."

Ash was taken a back. "Then how did you get here in the first place!?"

"With the help of Chuck Norris!" Arceus countered dramatically.

Touche'

"Well then, what moves do you know?"

"Let's see." Arceus pulled up the start screen, selected Pokemon, and then clicked on himself. "Oooh. Look at those base stats! Okay, I have Cosmic Power, Punishment, Natural Gift, and Judgement."

"Hmm . . . " Ash pondered. "Do you have any berries?"

"Let me check." Arceus bent down and looked at his underside. "One and two . . . and three"

"Okay, we'll get rid of gay Cosmic Power. Good thing I got this TM by fucking one of the clerks at the Pokemart!"

_Ash, the gay faggot booted up a TM. It contained Teleport. Teach Teleport to a Pokemon?_

"No, I want to fucking eat it. OF COURSE I WANT TO TEACH IT, YA BITCH!"

_Fuck you._

"BALLS!"

_Which Pokemon would you like to learn Teleport?_

"Arceus, Goddammit!"

_. . . We're sorry. Arceus cannot learn Teleport._

*Pure silence*

"WHAT THE SHIT!?!?!?!?" Ash screamed at the top of lung. For more info, look up John Freeman on youtube. "What do you mean his ass can't learn teleport!? What kind of pureed bullshit is that!? Like hell you're sorry!" Ash shook the disk, because that's what TMs are: discs. Apparently a disc is a machine.

_You're right, we aren't sorry. So suck it duckweed!_

"AGH!" Ash pointed at Arceus. "This is your entire fault. If you were fucking God, you should be able to learn every move!"

". . . You're right . . . " Arceus shed a tear. "I'm so ashamed . . . " *Spotlight on Arceus*

"There, there . . . " said Delia. "It happens to the best men I've fucked . . . "

"AND YOU!" Ash pointed at . . . ME!? "Why did you base this fic on the games and not the anime?!"

Hey, I only do as John Heller commands. According to him, having more than four moves is cheap. Dumb-ass.

"HOLY EGYPTIAN CARD GAMES I FUCKING HATE THE WORLD!" Ash was crushing his head from a migraine the size of Prof. Oak's prostate.

"Um, Ash?" Misty chimed in. "If this is based on the game, why don't we just walk? I mean, it can't take more than 5 minutes."

"And walk through the tall grass without repels so I can get swarmed by weak-ass Pidgeys and Rattatas which I don't want to, because I could kick their ass in a single attack, but they don't let me choose what fights I have, so I'll have to try running away, but it'll fail like fifty times until I have to fight, adding more gay to this fucking parade?" Ash replied to himself calmly. "No." He turned to the bemoaning Arceus with bloodlust. "Instead, I'm gonna force-feed this TM up your FUCKING ASSSSSSSSSSSSS-HOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLE!"

And . . . he was serious. He pounced Arceus, and proceded to shove the CD up his ass. George Lucas was barking and foaming at the mouth as he ranted: "MORE MOVIES! MORE STAR WARS! NEVER LET IT DIE! BEAT THE DEAD HORSE!"

Eight o'clock A.M. Do you know where your kids are?

Well, Ash and Misty made it to Viridian. If you give two shits how, after 2.5 hours of off screen anal rape, Ash got the TM to work using the rare candy trick. Don't ask how. I think I saw Action Replay get shoved up there as well.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ash breathed in and out. "Nipple piercings!"

"Pikachu!" said the fucking rat.

Ash glared at Pikachu and stomped it with his foot. "Who the fuck said you could talk? This is my time!"

Arceus, who was sweating bullets after his abuse heaved, "You're running out of time, you young bastard."

At this, Misty's second breast (the only functional one) deflated, because that's what happens when you have breast cancer. Your boobs pop. "AHH!" She grabbed Ash by the throat. "You better fucking find your asshole of a dad and hug the shit out of him!"

Ash shoved grass and dirt into her mouth. "Hold your goddamn herpes, woman!"

"Oh my ME!" Arceus made another god-pun. "I feel like I delivered a Dragonite backwards."

"Yeah, but it was definitely better than walking, am I right?" Ash but up his hand, and gave that smile you give when you farted, and people start to smell it.

". . . Fuck you kid." Arceus scoffed.

"HEY! You can't say 'fuck'! This is a family oriented fanfic!"

Everyone got a good laugh out of that one.

"AHAAHAHAHAHAAH!" Came a laugh different from the group. This came from the Viridian City Strip Club . . . er, I mean gym. This laughter came from, you guessed it, Giovanni.

There he was, in the glory of fireworks and topless dancers. "Yes, it is I! G. O. Vanneee!"

"Dammit!" Ash cursed still hoping for Kevin Bacon.

"Now, young trainer!" He jumped from his thrown to the ground, pointing his finger at Ash, but missed the gymnast mat below as a result, and broke both of his legs. "AGH! GAH! OH, MY, ARCEUS!"

"You rang?" said the pokemon.

"UUUUUGH, IF I WASN'T IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN RIGHT NOW, I'D CAPTURE YOUR RARE ASS!"

Arceus sighed. "Yeah, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that one."

Giovanni bit his lower lip to ignore the pain. "Alright, fuck the pomp and circumstance! Just give your father a great big hug, dammit!"

Ash felt a bit queasy having a middle-aged man ask him that with legs and bones jutting out in impossible directions. He looked to Misty, a bitch who would kill him if he refused. To Arceus, the one who told him this bastard was his flesh and blood. To Pikachu, the one he wished to return to Wal-mart. He had to make up his mind. Ash walked closer to Giovanni, knelt down to his level, and opened up his arms to embrace his father, when suddenly . . .

"DENIED, MUTHA-FUCKA!" Ash slipped back at the last minute and let Giovanni fall to his face.

"Why, you little shit!" Giovanni cursed.

"YOU ASS-TARD!" Misty cursed.

"KAAAAAAHHHHN!" Arceus cursed . . . wait, what?

Ash got back on his feet. "You think I actually believed Giovanni was my father!?"

"HUUUUUH?" All three said at once.

"Don't you think I watch the 4kids anime? If Giovanni was my father, that means he left me alone with my mom. By that logic, 4Kids would have killed her off long ago because 1 parent families are bad for children.

In all seriousness, I wish I was shitting you, but what Ash just said is the honest-to-Arceus truth. That's what happened to Brock's mom. If you don't believe me, look up Pokemon WTF on youtube.

"NO!" Giovanni yelled. "He found us out, Arceus!"

"Impossible!" Arceus was now wearing glasses. "How could I, the god of all pokemon be denied?!"

While the creature lamented, and the trainer gibed, Giovanni whispered to his Persian. "My precious, we must not let ourselves be defeated in this way!" He pulled a bomb out of his pocket. "You know what we must do."

"SQUADALAH!" The Persian replied, taking the bomb in his mouth. He snuck up behind Pikachu, and shoved the bomb up the rat's ass. When he felt his sphincter get violated, Pikachu blasted Persian to hell with thunder.

Ash stopped his fit of laughter. "Wait. Since I proved you wrong . . . does that mean the universe is fucked now?"

"No," Arceus said as he teleported away with hemorrhoids, "it just means that instead of saving Misty, I'll make her spontaneously combust."

"OHHHHHHHH SHIIIII--!" Misty mimicked John Heller before bursting into flames. She melted faster than I did that one time at Wendy's. Man, I tasted like water then . . .

At that instant, Pikachu blew up into a million pieces.

"AHH!" Ash Shouted "I'm so mad I gotta kick something!" Seeing on the ground what he mistook for a yellow beach ball, he accidentally kicked Pikachu's head into a wall. It spurted out so much blood and gore that it seemed like 4Kids was the opposite of what it is now. By the way, their dubbing Elfen Lied next.

By then, Ash realized what he had done. "N-NO!" Tears flew endlessly down the trainer's face. "Now how am I supposed to return this fucker to Wal-Mart with him all dead and shit." With insurmountable rage, he crumpled up the receipt, which totaled about $2.37, and threw it to the ground. This was an intense moment. Like when Goku went SS3 (No, not SSJ3. Why the hell would I type that extra letter just because the Japanese pronounce it different?) You could just hear "Down With The Sickness" playing in the background as Ash's rage was unleashed in one simple, yet dirty word: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

The end! Well, I may make a bonus chappy! Please review =P


	5. Bonus Chapter

Bonus Chapter

What the Fuck is a Salamence?!

"Wooohoo!" spun the narrator. "Gettin' a lil' dizzy frum all theez transishuns… Where da fuck are we?" He knocked over his eleventh beer to check his map. "Almos' puked after watchin' Team Fuck-It rape that goddamn Lapris… Aha!" He cleared his throat. "Hoenn…" After a moment of silence, the narrator burst into a fit of laughter. "OH MY ARCEUS! I nev'r reelized how funny that iz! They actually named a place 'Hoenn'! HAHAHA! Yea, I'd lika Hoenn! A Hoenn my pants!" After the narrator threw up in his mouth a little bit, he got back on track.

"So, Whorrin (as the Japanese would say) iz our nex locashun. It iz here we shall uxpereenzs lesbianism, death, an' more rape! YAY!"

You know, I'm starting to wonder if I should actually go out of my way to describe every little blade of grass down to the most exquisite detail. I mean, this whole story is fucked up. To think that trying to use fancy words and stuff would add anything to this Satanic Toilet Paper ©. I mean, it's like trying to sprinkle Splenda on cow shit! Yea, it might taste better, but you're still eating cow shit! Why the fuck would you eat cow shit in the first place?! I saw this episode of Ripley's where this dude actually ate a dried up cow pie! What the fuck?! There's no point to that unless you want to die alone!

But I'm getting off topic again… (Better get used to that). Let's just start this off again; this time, with a shitty vocabulary and tiny sentence fragments.

The ocean was blue. So was the sky. And the clouds were white like semen. There was a boat. The boat was also white like semen (which is funny because it already has a whole buncha SEA-MEN on it). The boat had a salad bar. It also had a whore on it. The whore's name was May. May's a bitch. She thinks she's Lindsay Lohan*. The ship is going to Sinnoh. Sinnoh does not sound as funny as Hoenn. May is going to see her friend, Don. Don had a sex change and is now Dawn. That is so sexy.

…Not enuff deetale? OK, I tri hardur…

"Woa, herwee go!" burped the narrator. "Now wer in Sinnuh. WOOT!"

Here in Sinnoh, the snow capped peaks of the grandest mountain ranged span across the continent to kiss the overhanging sky. I wish I could say that the worst idea in Pokémon History, Contest Battles, was created here, but they were spawned in Hoenn, and we just left there like ten seconds ago. At least I can say that Sinnoh made them eleven times more annoying and pointless. Everytime I see a man enter a contest like this, I think, "GAYGAYGAY!" Hell, there was even a contest named and sponsored after a dude! He probably takes it up the ass three times a day. Seriously, if that guy walked out onto the contest stage in assless leather chaps, holding a dildo in one hand and eating a dried up cow pie with the other, I think it'd be safe to say he would never get laid by Nurse Joy… EVER. (However, if you're interested in meeting him John, I can give you his phone number) ***WINK***

"My nipples are lactating again…" May told the person standing next to her.

"So are mine," replied the eighty year old man. "So are mine…" A tear rolled down his cheek. I have no idea why, it just seemed appropriate for old people to cry over milky titties.

"I hope my banana doesn't catch a cold. Oopsies! I meant to say my Bandana!" May chuckled like a narwhal.

Are they still on the boat?

"Attention passengers," the loud-speaker announced. "This is your captain speaking. I have AIDS. That is all." *CLICK*

"Huh, small world." May looked over the edge of the boat. "Sometimes I wish I was a fish. Then I could breathe twice as much oxygen!"

"So are mine," replied the eighty year old man. "So are mine…" A tear rolled down his cheek.

"Attention passengers! We will be dicking the dock, I mean doicking on Sinnoh. What? Please grab all your belongings. Windows 95." *CLICK*

While this announcement was taking place, the mass of May's cleavage knocked her off the ship and into the water. "I sure am thirsty!" She proceeded to drink the salt water as she swam to shore.

Once May got to shore, she thanked the floating copies of People Magazine for helping her reach land. For anyone who isn't educated about drinking seawater, don't ever do it. You could end up writing a really bad Pokémon Fanfic. Yes I know I used that joke twice. Fuck off…

"MAY!" yelled some young kid with black hair and glasses. I honestly don't know who he is.

"What?" May asked. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm your brother, Max!"

"Who?"

"MAX!" the kid screamed. "I'm a main character too, y'know!"

"Haay kid!" belched the narrator. "Run along nao… dis'z no place fur unimportant karactors."

"But I am an important character! I am!"

"NONIMPORTANTCHARACTERSAYZWHUT?!"

"Whut?"

"HA!"

"Oh fuck you!" Max grumbled. Just then, a Charizard flew overhead, picked up Max and zoomed off into the distance.

"I've never seen a cloud do that before!" said the hallucinating bitch.

Now that we got that transition out of the way, let's move on.

May was taking a brisk walk through Twinleaf Town. The town was named as such when the writers of this goddamn series actually thought up a decent name for a settlement. Solaceon Town is an example of pure brain-shit. As she walked, she admired the sky, which changed from blue to purple to red to orange. The flowers talked to her, some of them making obscene gestures and exposing body parts that no flower should ever have. Honestly, if there's one thing I won't write about in detail, it's a seawater trip in a fanfic. Soon, she got to Dawn's house. May knocked on the front door and waited for her to show.

"I'm here you sexy beast!" May shouted as the door opened up.

"So are mine…" said the old man who opened the door. It took May about two minutes and twenty four seconds of pure silence to realize she was at the wrong house. Apologizing to the old man and his penis, she ran off in search of Dawn's real house. She tripped over a walrus in doing so.

"Here's Dawn's house!" May knocked on the front door using her head. After about ten or eleven bangs, oh I ought to be careful about slipping those innuendos in, the door opened, answered by Dawn.

"May!" she shouted in a distinguishingly masculine-sounding voice. "So good to see ya, girlfriend! Um, your forehead is bleeding, gurl."

May, staring cross-eyed into space, came back down to earth and said, "That's not the only thing that's bleeding."

For some reason, I thought I'd get beyond these stupid period jokes. I guess it can't be helped, I mean, bleeding vah-jay-jays! Hill-lair-ee-us! :P

The two individuals, whom I have much contempt for but will retain my own personal opinions against my better judgement even though I am perfectly entitled to freedom of thought and speech, sat down on the couch in the living room and had some tea. What sluts.

"So how's your mum been?" May sported a fake British accent for no reason. Perhaps I can start finding some things in common with this bitch.

"Oh you know," Dawn gruffly said, "sucking cocks and doin' jocks." She sipped her tea with one pinky extended. "As for me, I've been doing well with my hormonal therapy. All this estrogen is ballin'."

"One time I rubbed a squirrel against my taint and it opened up a portal to McDonalds," May stated. I can't tell if that was just a side effect of the ocean water or if that actually happened. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if it were true. She splashed her tea in her face, not caring that it was causing first degree burns.

"Awesome." Dawn sighed. "Oh May, you're so pretty and stupid, I bet you get laid as much as a Mexican lays bricks, but ever since I had this sex change, I never got to try out my new accessories."

"Don't you fret my dear," May totally fucked up her Britty voice again, "for I too have some accessories!"

She ripped off her pants and… OH MY GOD!

No.

No…

NO!

If there's two things I won't write about in this fanfic its seawater trips and trannies. Let's start this over again…

"Awesome." Dawn sighed. "Oh May, you're so pretty and stupid, I bet you get laid as much as a Mexican lays bricks, but ever since I cut off my willy, I never got any action."

"If there's one thing I learned in my travels," May stood up, "it's that the paparazzi loves lesbianism!" And at the mere mention of that word, men of all races and colors suddenly appeared out of nowhere and surrounded Dawn's house holding cameras. They popped out of the ground, the garden, the television, the toilet, the other toilet, the refrigerator, etc. etc.

"OH MY GAWD! MILEY CYRUS AND HANNAH MONTANNA ARE GONNA DO IT!" said one fat kid holding a camcorder.

May, without missing a beat, put her arms around Dawn and started mouthing that shit up. Dawn started up too after she stopped wondering how so many men could fit it one toilet… the other toilet, not the first one. First, off went their gay head-gear. Honestly, who wears a bandana and a snow cap all the time? Then the shirts started to unbutton; then the panties slid down; finally, the cows came home to pasture.

"Miltank!" mooed the Pokémon, holding a camcorder.

Is anyone else getting a massive boner?

And so the two hoes did it on the coffee table while the photographers snapped away at their shots. Two of them actually started making out at the scene, like when the stock market crashed and CNN did an article about it. Yea, that's a good comparison: MayxDawn vs. Our Fucked up Economy. Thanks YouTube!

"Bring in the finisher!" shouted Joel McHale.

At his call, the front part of the house caved in. When the dust cleared, their stood two Pokémon: a Breloom and a…

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" May exclaimed.

"Uh," Dawn caught her hot, sweaty breath, "I think it's a Salamence."

May looked at Dawn in horror. "WHAT THE FUCK IS A SALAMENCE?!"

Don't ask me, I only do as John Heller commands.

The Salamence roared a mighty meow and used its mighty tongue to lick May's mighty taint. (Mighty in the sense of being overpowering in a bad way.) It used its Thunder Fang, electrocuting the bitch into submission. Then it flapped its mighty wings, slamming May into the wall. It then took a shit in her purse because it's kinky. **:**D

As that was going on, the Breloom took on Dawn. It used its tiny and cute wittle arms to make her vagina a cream pie (eww). Then it took its tail, which happens to have not one, not two, not three, not five, but four balls on the end and shove it up her ass. Bulbapedia says they're seed clusters… I guess those really are its testicles. Ha, if it put those in Dawn's mouth (which it later did) it would be a teabag. Finally, (the moment you've all been waiting for), Breloom used Sky Uppercut and totally went anal on her vagina. Wow, that did sound as awesome as I thought it would. Dawn flew up about twenty feet and landed on the still-naked May. The paparazzi took the last of its photos and just left, excluding the Miltank, who was now recording the two men still making out.

May caressed Dawn's hair from her Dirty Sanchez face. "How was that?"

"That… was… AWESOME!"

Wow, they really do deserve to die. I sure hope something comes by and fucks their day up.

"I have sensed a disturbance in the force." Out of the sky floated the great and legendary Pokémon Mewtwo. "It is resonating from these two slutbags."

"Holy shit, it's Wayne Brady!" No, May wasn't quoting Chappelle's Show; she was still high off seawater. Man, that's a funny image to put in your head, Wayne Brady's face on top of Mewtwo. XD

Mewtwo grabbed the scouter attacked to its head. "These whore levels are off the charts!" The psychic ripped it off and shouted, "THEY'RE OVER 9,000!" as it crushed the thing in its hand. "Dammit! Why the fuck did I do that?! That was a fucking rental!" Mewtwo then started to cry. "I loved that scouter!"

"Aw, don't cry Mr. Brady." May got on her feet and pulled out a mug. "Here, have some Folgers! You know, like your commercials! _The best part of waking up is…_"

Mewtwo punched her in the face. "FALCON PUNCH!"

The coffee spilled over May's first degree burns, so it obviously caused second degree burns, right? Not like she minded.

"I'd rather have a carrot instead." Mewtwo then used Confusion to choke a bitch. After using Disable, May stared out into space with a blank expression. Mewtwo had completely erased May's mind! HALLELUJAH! It tossed the limp whore to the ground, where Dawn started poking her boobs.

"Wow," Dawn sighed, "I never knew Wayne Brady was such an asshole."

"AH GODDAMMIT! MY NAME'S NOT WAYNE BRADY!" In a fit of rage, Wayne, I mean Mewtwo made a wheelchair appear out of thin air and sat Dawn down into it. It strapped her in with leather belts and treated itself to a blowjob. Later, once it had emptied, it took a monkey wrench and incapacitated Dawn by crushing the bones in her legs and arms. Then it took her for a nice walk under the sunny skies before Mewtwo thrust the chair off a cliff. "Houllihan'd, bitch!"

Dawn, at the bottom of the cliff, said, "Maybe this sex-change wasn't such a good idea…"

"Now where did I leave that rag doll?" Mewtwo returned to the house to find May as it left her: vegetated. "Ah, here we go." It picked her up by the waist, made a dick appear from its crotchular region and fitted her nicely on it. "This would feel so much more appealing if I had morals. Oh well…" It then flew off into the wild blue yonder, fucking May doggie-style in the air. "ARF ARF WOOF!"

Meanwhile…

"GAH! STOP! PLEASE! OKAY, I'M NOT A MAIN CHARACTER! STOP!"

Back in the Charicific Valley, Max was gang-raped by a large group of horny Charizards.

"OH MY GOD THAT'S HILARIOUS!" laughed the narrator at the boy's misery.

______________________________________________________________________________

*: Lyndsay Lohan is also a whore and bitch.


End file.
